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1.
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Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now because my girlfriend and I are doing our favorite
thing together. Personally I like doing it up and down, while she likes doing it side-to-side
r-e-a-l slow... So I’ll get back to you when we finish brushing our teeth.
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2.
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"911 - What is your emergency?"
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3.
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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and
I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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4.
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Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my
parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty
of money.
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5.
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This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone,
think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call.
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6.
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Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you
back as soon as I find it.
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7.
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Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait
for the beep.
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8.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a
message.
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9.
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Please leave a beep at the message.
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10.
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Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
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11.
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You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are
gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone
you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
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12.
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Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you
want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
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13.
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Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
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