funny quotes

1.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

2.

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

3.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

4.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

5.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

6.

Anything you say will be held against you. ... "tits"

7.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

8.

once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.

9.

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

10.

Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

11.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

12.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.

13.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

14.

War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce

15.

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

16.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

17.

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.

18.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

19.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

20.

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!