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21.
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When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.
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22.
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I got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section
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23.
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I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do
you want, an adorable pancreas?
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24.
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Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT31=DEC25
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25.
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"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax, you're not
the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients', but the another kept reminding me,
'Howard, you are a veterinarian!'"
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26.
|
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
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27.
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Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
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28.
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Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
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29.
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Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
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30.
|
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
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31.
|
The "bishop" came to my church today.. that guy was an imposter, he never once moved diagonally
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32.
|
There is a time and a place for everything, and it's called college.
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33.
|
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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34.
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If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
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35.
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Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
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36.
|
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He
said, "No hablo ingles."
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37.
|
Go into a store's fitting room and announce loudly "there's no toilet paper in here!"
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38.
|
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
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39.
|
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then natural selection
reared its ugly head.
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40.
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Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
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funny headlines
